By Darren Weeks
I hate infomercials.
I don't know anyone who actually enjoys them, but as a professional broadcaster, I have had more than an occasional encounter with these mad merchants of media merchandise.
Often, when I am enduring yet another 28 minutes and 30 seconds of pure, unadulterated television hell, I often have the same reoccurring thought: Does anyone actually buy this crap?
Well, obviously the answer is yes. Otherwise, there would have never been a Miss Cleo, or a Pychic Friends Network. That guy who offers to give you his money so you can buy and fix up properties and then sell them for a profit with him splitting the bounty, would not exist.
Of course, I do have to place in a little caveat here and say that once in a while, there is a product or two that might be moderately decent. But the occurance is about as rare as the appearance of Halley's Comet, and is met with about the same enthusiasm. The vast majority of it is garbage with a "As seen on TV" label. Indeed, yesterday's television special, will be tomorrow's fodder for the landfill.
Hence, to help the viewing public better understand these diabolical deliverers of debris, I have worked hard to bring you my official compilation of infomercial definitions, and their interpretations. You can better understand what they're saying, if you know the lingo.
I will first present you with the phrase that you will hear on the broadcast, and then will proceed to explain to you what they really mean by it.
1. WHAT THEY TELL YOU: "You could pay up to $400 for products like ours."
WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN: "Of course, you'd be a hideous fool to do so, but you could. And we're counting on the fact that you're a hideous fool."
2. WHAT THEY TELL YOU: "Offers like this don't come along every day."
WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN: "We think we've finally outdone ourselves in our attempts to rip you off."
3. WHAT THEY TELL YOU: "There's only :xx minutes left, so pick up the phone and call now."
WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN: "We've put a countdown clock on the screen to create a false sense of urgency. This is because we believe that you're too stupid to figure out that our operators will still take your order long after our program goes off the air. Further, this is intended to prevent you from thinking about it too much, lest your common sense kick in and prevent you from calling."
4. WHAT THEY TELL YOU: "Testimonials like you've just heard are common."
WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN: "We've upped the budget for paid actors and actresses who we're never really good enough to land a Hollywood role. Having contracted various deficiancy diseases, these special performers are no longer allowed to work in the porn film industry. Their loss is our gain, as they are perfect prostitutes to hock our garbage to the unsuspecting viewer."
5. WHAT THEY TELL YOU: "Thousands of people just like you have already taken advantage of this special opportunity."
WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN: "There's a sucker born every minute."
6. WHAT THEY TELL YOU: "Order now, and you'll get Johnny Johnson's Secrets to Sexual Satisfaction, along with his helpful book, Pleasing the Ladies. But that's not all... If you call now, we'll throw in three tubes of Johnny's anti-impotent cream, which is guranteed to make you an arousing success. How much would you expect to pay for all of this? But hold on! Don't answer yet! If you call before the end of the program, we'll give you — absolutely free — Johnny's Herpes Helper Handbook, chronicling all of the diseases that Johnny has acquired over the years. You'll be able self-diagnose and treat those little red dots the second they appear on your skin."
WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN: "We've worked our minimum wage-paid staff to death in our tireless effort to scrape up all of the worthless junk that we can, so that you'll think you're getting a lot for your money."
7. WHAT THEY TELL YOU: "Don't wait. Offers like this won't be available for long."
WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN: "The authorities are about to conclude their investigation and start issuing the warrants."
8. WHAT THEY TELL YOU: "If you're not completely satisfied, return within 30 days, and receive your money back."
WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN: "You better order the express shipping, because we're going to delay shipment for three and a half weeks. By the time you get your product, your 30 day guarantee is over. Good luck finding us and your money in Switzerland!"
9. WHAT THEY TELL YOU: "Look and feel better. Fulfill your dreams. Achieve wealth and success with Nicole Nerdface's Principles for Promoting Profit. These time-tested, proven principles have worked over and over again."
WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN: "Ms. Nerdface's 800 number has been ringing off the hook. Therefore, the principles have helped her to look and feel better, fulfill her dreams, and achieve wealth and success."
10. WHAT THEY TELL YOU: "Operators are standing by."
WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN: "We've hired a company so that we can take your money from you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. This company can also take your credit card number over the phone so that we can access your hard-earned cash even faster. By the time you determine our rubbish is completely useless, we'll have renamed our company again. You'll be forced to either let our waste substance clutter your basement, or move it into the garage for your own sale next spring.
For assistance in marketing our mishmash to your patrons, don't miss our next infomercial, Garage-Sale Gary's, Twelve Steps to Unloading Your TV Rubble."
